Middle School Mom Health Is Plummeting: 4 Ways To Help

I recently learned about a study shared by the American Psychological Association [i] that revealed middle school moms have the lowest parental satisfaction, parental well-being, and poorest mental health levels.

Woah.

Those are some pretty strong statements. 

I was shocked at the severity of the description used for this parenting stage, and yet I believe every word of it. 

Here’s why.  

Two weeks before learning this stat, I shared with my business coach that my writing niche would be middle school parents. In particular, moms.

“Why?” he asked. “What problems are they having?”

Without batting an eye I rattled off about 10. I could have named 30.  

I was basically talking about my own life. Here’s what I said in that call about why a middle school mom is struggling.

-She is missing her little kid. Her heart recalls the cute 2nd grade boy who sang his heart out at the grade school spring concert. Or she vividly remembers the precious toddler she took to the park and pushed on the swing as the sound of her preschooler giggles filled the air.

Now these sweet moments have been replaced with being a chauffeur, the official packer and unpacker of bags for ballgames and rehearsals….and acting as the house manager. “Is your homework done? Did you do your chores? DID YOU PUT ON DEODORANT?” 

-She struggles with the busy schedule. Life used to be much more simple. She’d go to work or stay home with the kids, then there was family time in the evening, and the occasional social event. Now, almost every evening is full, meals are fast, simple, and often wolfed down quickly to get to the next event on time. Daily and evening schedules are so much different than before. 

-Her marriage looks different. The honeymoon stage ended….. but then it led to the babymoon stage, and that was just the best….and then there was this beautiful bond that occurred as she and hubby went to the pumpkin patch with the littles. Now, they’re ships passing in the night that can hardly find time to go out on a date. 

-Friendships are different. Her 20-something friends dispersed, the friends she made during the baby stage are going separate ways, and the ones she WANTS to connect with are busy when she is...or she’s busy when they are available. The friend thing just looks different.

-Raising a tween or early teen is hard. There is more conflict, more detachment, less connection, new issues coming up to navigate. She doesn’t know how to handle this all. It presses into the mom’s heart deeply.

-Life got more complex. The older a person gets, the more one encounters things like job loss, divorce among family and friends, cancer, or a host of other health issues. It’s not the carefree 20something life she used to lead where they ended the day playing beach volleyball or enjoying a fab surf and turf dinner at a great restaurant. 

-Her work life looks different. Either finances are an issue and she suddenly has to find a job and learn an entirely new lifestyle as a career mom. Or she is realizing the complexity of juggling her intense job while trying to be all that she can be for her family. (“What? You fell off the longboard in P.E. and your front tooth is missing? I’ll be there in 20. Or an hour. Sorry.”)

I’m in the heart of this journey. 

I haven’t figured it all out myself, but here are 4 things I do know that will help tremendously. Then stay tuned for a future article where I share many more tips. 

1.Don’t “mom” alone. Seek out community during this season. Yes, it exists. Email me if you need to learn where. Talk out loud and be real with other moms in this similar life stage. Either one-on-one or in a more formal group setting. It helps to normalize your feelings, your child’s behavior, and everything your family is experiencing right now. 

2.Find new ways to connect with your child. Ensure those ways fill both your cup and his/hers. If the entirety of your relationship is you giving instruction, direction, and correction on the next thing to do  - of course your maternal satisfaction will be low. Put some effort into exploring new, fresh ways to connect with your middle schooler. 

Think weekly ice cream outings, playing tennis or golf, shopping, cooking and baking, board games, a hilarious comedian you both enjoy and will laugh at together. 

3.Take care of your own mental and marital health. The expression “when mama ain’t happy, ain’t nobody happy” is true. Do you even know what makes you happy anymore? So many of us lose ourselves as we enter this stage. Rediscover something that brings joy. It may take a little effort to figure this out, but it will revolutionize the health of your household.

Same goes for your marriage. When you and your spouse aren’t doing well, the family unit feels it. Flirt a little with your husband. Prioritize time together - either out or in (in - put the screens down.) Date your spouse again. If you need thoughts or help on this, email me and I’ll share from my years of couples group leadership, coaching, and marital counseling.

4.Find systems that work for your household. The middle school stage is a new way of doing life, mamas. In love, I say to you “let your heart and brain catch up to your new reality.” Things likely need to change. You cannot manage your busy household alone. Get your kids on a consistent chore schedule, communicate household needs to your husband, hire a housecleaner, try out a meal delivery service, do what it takes to make your house run smoothly.

Hey - if your heart is downcast, dear one, I understand, and so do many other moms. But let’s not leave it there. It’s time to take action and help you regain joy and satisfaction in parenting your child. That’s what I’m here for, so stay along for the ride.

Want more info like this? Subscribe to my newsletter “You’re In Good Company.”Or hire me as your parenting coach. 

[i] Luthar, S.S., & Ciciolla, L. (2016). What it feels like to be a mother: Variations by children’s developmental stages. Developmental Psychology, 52, 143-154.